light carries on endlessly
by words-with-dragons
Summary: Light carries on endlessly, even after death." - Saturn, Sleeping At Last. / They won. But at what cost? An AU of the Book 4 finale, in which Kai doesn't survive. [Kai/Jinora] Rated T for safety.


**light carries on endlessly**

They won. But at what cost? / An AU of the Book 4 finale, in which Kai doesn't survive. [Kai/Jinora] Rated T for safety.

* * *

Jinora had always been observant.

She watched her city fall to the Equalists and rise again. She watched the world shudder to a stop and saw fates of millions be decided by a single unbreakable spirit, and as the world righted itself it was made anew. She watched her people grow back from the brink of extinction.

But she didn't watch him die.

(She didn't know if it was a blessing or a curse.)

* * *

_I._

The walk back into the city was euphoric. Bolin was getting everyone to laugh with quips and dramatizations about the battle that had been terrifying at the time, but now in the wake of victory and his theatrics, Jinora couldn't help but laugh. She felt like was on top of the world, with her siblings and her father and her friends by her side. The battle was over, the city was safe and Kuvira was defeated.

But as they reached the brim of the circle of the destroyed Spirit Vines, and were joined by the other members of the Air Nation and the rest of the BeiFongs, she felt something turn, as though she was walking up a staircase and there was one less step than she had expected. Her stomach dropped and she knew something was very _very _wrong.

All of the bright red uniforms of the Air Nation could make it hard to pick a single person out, if Jinora hadn't had over three years of practice of finding a pair of bright green eyes, the lopsided smile she loved and messy hair. They were missing. Her throat constricted.

"Where's Kai?" she muttered, running a hand through her hair. She was sure she just hadn't see him. He was shorter than most of the airbenders after all, or maybe he had been further away in the city, or had been helping refugees. He was on his way. A minute ticked by. Then two. Tenzin was doing a headcount, and stroked his beard, his brow furrowing.

"Has anyone seen Ryu and Kai?" he asked. The airbenders shifted uncomfortably, each looking to the other. "A search party, now!" he barked. "Watch out for Kuvira's supporters," whom were surely crawling all over the city, "but bring them back at any costs!"

Tenzin was by her side in an instant. "I'm sure they're both fine. Kai's a trooper," he assured her. Jinora gave him a half-hearted smile, clasping her hands anxiously.

The memory of Kai falling from the sky, burning like a shooting star, was still too fresh in her mind. She could easily recall the way her sob had rose in her throat, and had to choke one down now. She grabbed her father's hand, not caring that she was far too old (was 14 really that old; it was hard to tell sometimes) and squeezed it.

Tenzin kissed her hair. "It'll be alright sweetheart. Now, go on, we need to help search too."

Jinora unclipped the wings of her airsuit and soared up into the air. The city streets were for once deserted with only streetlamps flickering and the glow of the new Spirit portal. She couldn't see any signs of Kai or Ryu, just happy spirits celebrating their return to their home. Jinora chewed her bottom lip. Raava above, if anything had happened, she wouldn't know what she would do. She knew Kai could be impulsive, which was both an asset and a serious disadvantage in battle, but she had also seen him fight and she knew he was talented, so he should be fine. Her dad was right, Kai was probably perfectly fine. She swallowed hard; why had the feeling that something was horribly wrong not left her? Was it just her worrying herself too much?

Finally, she spotted a small gathering of airbenders. Hoping that they had found Kai and Ryu at last, Jinora landed outside of the group. "Is Kai there?" she asked, trying to push through the front when she found Tenzin standing in her way.

"Jinora," he said heavily, placing his hands on her small, narrow shoulders, "Jinora, sweetie-"

"Dad, is Kai there?" She stood on the tips of her toes to try to see over his shoulder. Tenzin crumpled, frowning deeply.

"Jinora-"

"Dad, I need to see him -" she pushed past her father, feeling tears build in her eyes. What if Kai had been injured? The airbenders made a path for her, and a repulsive scent filled her nostrils: charred flesh. She could feel the bile rise in her throat but swallowed it down as she reached the centre of the circle.

Kai was lying on the ground, facing upwards. His legs were bent at an unnatural angle. A pool of blood surrounded his head, his dark hair damp with it. His left arm was a grisly stump of bone jutting out and Jinora thought she would throw up. The stench was unbearable. But worst of all were his eyes, once so bright and full of life, now stared without seeing.

She couldn't even pretend he was asleep.

Jinora dropped to her knees, her shoulders shaking. She heard Ryu walk over to her. "He fell," the airbender whispered, all of his usual boredom gone. "The cannon hit him. I tried to save him but he hit the ground and..." Ryu's voice cracked.

Jinora's shoulders shook, sobs wracking her thin frame. "No," she sobbed, desperately clawing at her cheeks to wipe them free of tears with little success. She crawled closer to Kai's body, taking his good hand in her own. "No, Kai please no, you - you said..." she choked back sobs, pulling his bleeding body into her arms. The smell of burnt flesh was horrible but she didn't pull away, instead cradling his head in her arms, her fingers slick with his blood. She pushed his hair anxiously back from his forehead. "You said it'd take more than a fall to get rid of you - you promised you'd always come back to me. _You promised_."

A warm heavy hand rested on her shoulder. "Jinora, come on." It went to pull her upwards.

No, she couldn't leave him. "No," she murmured, tightening her grip on Kai's body. Even his blood was cold now, staining her skin and her clothes. The hand took one of her own and tried to lead her away again. "No, no I can't leave him - I can't leave him!"

Because maybe, if she didn't leave him, he wouldn't really be dead. Maybe this would all be a bad dream. She just had to hold on, that's all. She couldn't let go. Strong arms lifted her up from the ground; Kai slid from her grip back onto the ground. "No, NO!" She kicked and screamed as she was lifted in the air, gusts of bitter wind whipping her hair. "No, stop! I can't leave him! _I CAN'T LEAVE HIM_!" she sobbed hysterically, pounding her fists against someone's chest.

She realized she was fighting against Tenzin and curled into his chest, sobbing. Her airbending died down. "_Daddy_," she croaked hoarsely. "Daddy no, _please_..."

"Shh," Tenzin stroked her hair, fighting back tears. "Shh darling..."

"Kai, he-" Jinora dissolved into sobs again, her shoulders shaking. Her throat was raw, and she thought it might tear as another sob erupted, taking over her whole being. She had never known pain like this: getting her tattoos had been excruciating, and twice she had almost passed out from the pain, every inch of her body aflame as the needle pressed ink into her skin. This was worse. Her chest was on fire, her mind and heart were shattered and the broken pieces were stabbing her lungs. This pain, she knew, would never end. Her legs buckled and Tenzin was the only thing that kept her from hitting the ground, but even he felt very far away.

Tenzin steered her away, keeping her pinned to his side as she walked; she felt like she was on autopilot. One foot in front of the other: the action was mechanical. Her eyes stung and the stench of charred flesh burned her inside. She felt so cold, hot tears running down her face, but the coldness had settled in her bones. It felt like all things bright and beautiful had died along with him.

The other airbenders walked alongside them. Someone put Kai's body on a stretcher and had draped a white cloth to cover him. Ikki and Meelo trailed behind them, mournfully quiet, but Jinora found the silence suffocating. She wanted it to end. She wanted it to stretch on forever. She wanted to take some tiny fraction of the pain, of her heaving chest trying to breathe and it was so hard to walk, to think.

_Kai._

In that moment, she hated that stupid boy, for getting her to fall in love with his beautiful smile and the way he made her laugh, for throwing himself into danger, for dying, for leaving her alone. (He had died alone.)

Korra and rest met up with them back at the remains of City Hall. Jinora's vision was blurred with tears, her throat scorched. She saw Bolin glance in her direction, his smile faltering. "Did - did something happen?" he said uncertainly, scanning their faces. Jinora assumed, it was then, that he caught sight of the body clothed in white on the stretcher. "Where's um, where's Kai?" he laughed shakily, his eyes growing sad.

Mako looked between her and Tenzin in disbelief. "No," he breathed, looking for some sign that this was an absurd practical joke, or a prank. Kai had always loved to pull them. Kai... he couldn't be dead. "No." He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose when no one corrected him.

Opal stood by her family, her face crestfallen and her eyes shining with tears as she joined Bolin, who had dissolved into loud sobs, pulling him into a hug. Korra and Asami stood off to the side, the Avatar's face one of shock, and Asami wiping her eyes.

Pema started crying, wrapping her arms around her husband and daughter. Enveloped in the warmth of her parents, Jinora broke down again. She just wanted the world to stop. Kai was dead, so why hadn't the world ended? What kind of world deserved to exist if he wasn't going to live in it anymore? She clung to her father's robes, burying her face in them. It didn't bring her any comfort.

She howled, cursing the Spirits. He had been so young, on the brink of sixteen. He was - had been? - the love of her life. Her best friend.

And now he was gone.

* * *

_II._

Her life had been abruptly split into two separate parts: before, and after his death.

"Jinora, sweetie," there was a knock at her door, and light flooded the dark room as Pema opened the door. Jinora's blinds were drawn, and she was curled up in bed. "I brought you dinner." The woman could see an untouched plate of food lying on Jinora's desk and sighed. It had been almost a week, and Pema knew Jinora needed to mourn, but staying in her room all day, barely eating and sleeping, wasn't healthy.

"Thanks mom," Jinora said quietly. Her voice was hoarse (from all the crying, Pema reasoned) and her back was turned. Pema set the plate of food next to the one from lunch, and then sat down beside her daughter on the bed.

"Sweetie," she placed a tentative hand on Jinora's shoulder. "It's been almost a week-"

"Five days, seventeen hours and twenty-three minutes," Jinora corrected her, her voice catching in her throat. Pema's heart broke.

"Well, yes," Pema plowed on, blinking back tears. "And the funeral will be in a day or two, and I thought you should be the one to - to give the eulogy. You knew him best."

Jinora sat up, turning around to look at her miserably. The girl's eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with red. "Yeah," Jinora sniffled. "I... I'll do it."

"Why don't you come downstairs, for a bit? You could do some reading. It'd be good for you to go outside." When Jinora didn't say anything, Pema pursed her lips. "Jinora, I know you miss him-"

"You don't know anything," Jinora snapped, whirling around to glower at her mother. "I - I miss him so badly it _hurts_ to _breathe!_ It's like I'm missing a piece of _myself_ and I... " her words died in her throat, eyes streaming. "You haven't lost dad, you can't possibly know how this feels... Just - just leave me alone. Please."

They say that you die many times before you actually do, and Pema knew, as she closed the door and held back a sob, that it was true.

It took Jinora hours to even think about the eulogy, and longer still to put a single word down on a piece of paper. It was just the sort of thing she could imagine Kai teasing her about. _Look at little miss bookworm, completely speechless. _It had been so easy to talk to her mother, to allow her feelings to spill out of her in a heated, saddened rush, but now... now it felt like if she let them all out, she'd be completely empty inside. But she owed it to Kai, so with shaking hands, she started to write.

* * *

"Kai was - is, the love of my life," she read aloud, her voice cracking on the first word. His name, and for a second she thought he'd pop out of the crowd of mourners dressed in black, but no one made a sound. Jinora glanced towards the casket, now closed, for strength. It was a handsome case of dark wood, engraved with an ancient air nomad prayer. _May your soul float upon the wind and scatter among the stars. _

Jinora took a deep, shuddering breath. "And I am so grateful I got to know him. Not all of you know this, but when Kai came to us, he was an orphan. Distrustful and alone, it took time for him to adjust, just as I had to cope with the renewal of my nation. Although neither of us realized it, we'd soon become best friends. I - I remember, back then," tears welled in her eyes, full of a kind of nostalgia, "he - he thought he wouldn't be a very good airbender. I always thought he'd be the first to get his tattoos. After me, of course, I never forgot to remind him, even though he never really needed the reminder in the first place. Truthfully, it was only a little over three years ago, but it feels like a lifetime. We were so young. Only eleven and twelve respectfully. We're... we're still young."

Jinora stared down at the piece of paper in her hands. "Like - like I said, Kai was an orphan. _Was _because he, we're his family. We're still his family... I once..." Jinora felt her words die in her throat, their sharp edges jabbing into her heart. She took a moment to compose herself, gripping the edges of the podium in front of her so tightly her knuckles turned white. "I'm sorry, this is just really hard."

How could she be apologizing, when Kai was the one who was dead? Who was gone? What right did she have to suffer? But she thought back to an old teaching, about how funerals were for the living. This was for her, and her missing piece.

"Kai always had a way with animals and a certain disregard for the rules. There was more than one occasion that he convinced me to skip class and goof off instead." She almost smiled but couldn't find the energy. "He brought laughter and light into my life. And he was always, _always _my _best_ friend. I became aware of this when I showed him my favourite spot on the entire island, the one place that was completely my own, and I didn't feel like I was giving something up. I felt like I was passing something on, to share... Kai was special, that way. He had a way of making me laugh even though I wanted to cry. He struggled with reading and writing, but he'd write me long, detailed letters anyway. He always gave 110%. And despite the fact that he was hurt, that he suffered, he was still so full of love."

Tears were rolling down her cheeks now, but Jinora made no movement to wipe them away.

"He once told me that I saved him, that I gave him a second chance when he didn't deserve one, through our friendship, our relationship. But I don't think he ever realized how much he saved me. He brought me out of my shell, helped me stand up for myself. He believed in me, encouraged me, helped me grow into the person I am today. He taught me how to love someone unconditionally. I would not be here today if not for him. He was always willing to put himself on the line for others, and he did that for me many, many times."

"I could stand here for hours, telling you of how good a person he was, of his humour and kindness, and I'd still only be scratching the surface. Kai, in every way possible, became a piece of me I didn't realize I was missing until I found him. He was - _is _the greatest person I have ever met, or will ever meet. Kai, thank you, for allowing me to love a person as incredible as you, and for loving me in return."

Jinora turned towards the casket, and laid a hand upon the cold wood. "I love you," she whispered, her voice thick with tears. "I love you so much."

She joined her sobbing mother in the crowd and broke down as Tenzin, wiping his eyes, recited the prayers to send Kai's soul away. "_And may your soul float upon the wind and scatter among the stars. May you look down upon us in fondness and favour, and guide us through times of trouble. May you connect yourself to enlightenment, and allow us to achieve the same. Bless your sacrifice and your spirit, may they ever prosper and we will never forget your bravery nor your kindness. Bless us, oh great spirit of Life-and-Death, that when we come to the inevitable, we too shall pass through your doors of love and forgiveness..."_

The prayers went on, and Jinora wanted to say them, but she couldn't say anything through her sobbing, her vision blurred with tears. She could barely watch the casket be carried and then lowered into a fresh grave, or the tree sapling be planted, as per tradition; old life passing away to make way for the new. She clung to her mother like a newborn child, and she felt so sad and small and tired. So tired.

If she could just see his face again, or hear his laugh or see him smile, kiss him one last time - their goodbye at the top of the skyscrapers came hurtling into her mind. She should have hugged him a little longer, insisted he stay next to her, or that he went to help her mother with the refugees, held onto him longer. She should have stopped him, she could have, if she had known... _Don't worry, _he had said, _I'll be fine_, giving her hands a squeeze. He hadn't lied in years.

Why would the world give her the love her life only to steal him away far too soon? How could the world be so cruel?

She thought that if she could just see his eyes, the same shade as the leaves of his tiny tree, and stare at him forever, than it would be enough to fill the emptiness crawling inside her and settling in her bones. As she shut her eyes tightly, she could picture his body, mangled and broken, and his eyes, boring into hers, glassy and lifeless, seeing without staring.

She didn't know what was more terrifying: that the image would never leave her, or that it would.

* * *

_III._

The Cove had always been her favourite place on the Island. She could remember showing it to Kai, one crisp autumn morning, his eyes widening with wonder. "And I can come here?" he had asked uncertainly, a big smile blooming across his face when she had smiled sweetly and nodded. It had become their place.

But now, curled up against a tree trunk, it now felt foreign and wrong. Like at home, she could see him everywhere: in the pond where they had wasted summer days swimming to beat the heat; the grassy banks where they had laid on their backs when they sneaked out to stargaze; the bright blue sky, beautiful but far too happy, where he had shown her clouds that looked like flowers and hearts; climbing trees and nicking moon-peaches from the kitchen and eating them in the branches; afternoons spent reading in silence, just enjoying each other's company; making leave piles and jumping into them and picking leaves out of each other's hair. Their first kiss had happened underneath this very tree. But now, in the absence of his laughter, his smile, the Cove felt cold and lonely.

Then again, everywhere felt like that now.

Jinora shook those thoughts from her head, closing her eyes and readjusting her Lotus position. The art of meditation had been robbed from her since Kai's death, her mental distress getting in the way. But she hoped now that some time had passed, the barrier would be torn down. But the Spirit World and mental peace were still barred from her, and she sighed in annoyance.

"Jinora, you there?"

The airbender turned at the sound of the Avatar's voice. Korra's boots skidded on dirt and rocks as she slid down on the sloping slides of the Cove. "What are you doing here?" Jinora sniffled.

"Saw you flying over here. It's not good for you to be alone so much," Korra took a seat next to her. Her hair was still short and choppy, but like Jinora, she seemed older. Korra hadn't had the chance to get to know Kai very well, but from the short time she had known she boy, she had grown to be pretty fond of the kid. And seeing the way his death was effecting Jinora was devastating.

Jinora didn't say anything, so Korra continued. "Jinora, it's been three months."

That information wasn't new; Jinora didn't know how, but it felt like the time after his death was simultaneously short and recent, yet stretched on forever. Part of her fooled herself into thinking that he was just on another one of his missions, that this was another long-distance stretch, and then reality would set in again and crush her from the inside out.

"I - I thought," Jinora croaked out, "that after the funeral, I'd feel less... empty. But I feel emptier than ever. I just feel so sad and angry. I'm lacking something, and it's not just him, there's more to it. It's like... I still need closure, but I have no way of getting it. I don't think I ever will."

"Maybe visiting Kuvira would help?" Korra suggested, her eyebrows knit together. "Seeing Zaheer helped me through my struggles. You might be going through something similar."

"I don't think seeing Kuvira will fix anything. I'm not - I know I'm not angry at her," Jinora stumbled over her words. As strange as it was, and as much as part of her did place blame on Kuvira for Kai's death, she felt nothing but pity for the former dictator. Deep down, she knew who she was angry at, but also knew that it would go nowhere.

"Jinora, I can't help if you don't let me in. Kai wouldn't want you to throw your life away-"

"Why, that's all he ever did - and he left me -_ he left me_ Korra!" And it became apparent that she couldn't keep her anger bottled up, and she knew there was no point at being angry at the dead, but dammit she was furious with that stupid, selfless boy. "And he said he loved me, so why did he leave me Korra?" Her voice cracked. "How is that fair? _How is that fair_? _How could he just leave me behind?!_"

Jinora's shoulders slumped, giving Korra a miserable look and wiping her streaming eyes. "_How could he just leave me behind Korra_?"

"You're angry at him," Korra said simply. She pulled Jinora into her arms, rubbing soothing circles into the girl's back. "It's natural to feel angry and abandoned. I know it's hard to accept, but sometimes the people that love you leave you. Take me for example." Jinora opened her mouth to protest, but at Korra's stern look and her eyes that gazed steadily into Jinora's, she closed her mouth and let Korra continue. "I didn't mean to be gone for three years, and Kai didn't plan on..." Korra swallowed hard. "On dying. What you truly need is closure, and I think I know a way you can get it."

Jinora looked at her, hardly daring to believe what she was hearing. "W-what?"

"You know the swamp you and Ikki and Meelo found me in? It showed me hallucinations, visions to help me learn about myself, to help me get closure. That's where Aang first saw his vision of Toph, even though he hadn't met her yet, remember? And how the swamp, it's special: everything's connected. The swampbenders say that time is an illusion, and so is death. You might see Kai there, and then you can get whatever you need out of your system. It won't fix everything but... you need to remember you aren't broken in the first place."

Jinora almost smiled. "I think it could work, but mom and dad would never let me go... they're so protective over all of us, especially me, after what happened. He - he was like another son."

"Don't worry about your mom and dad, I'll take care of it. Now take Pepper and go; if you fly straight through it should only take less than a week."

Jinora threw her arms around the Avatar and hugged her tightly. "Thank you Korra."

Korra settled her head on Jinora's shoulder. "Anytime."

* * *

The swamp was massive, trees sprawling out in every direction, draped in vines, yet the place was eerily quiet. This time, the vines didn't have to pull Pepper down, although Jinora could sense her bison was still wary of the swamp, she set Pepper down gently. If what Korra said held true - not for the first time she wondered what the Avatar had told her parents, and how much trouble she would be in when she returned home - it shouldn't take long for the hallucinations to come into affect.

In almost no time at all, Jinora's boots were soaked through with water, her bison whistle (if she needed to signal Pepper who was flying above the trees and surely having a much better time than she was) clutched tightly in her hand. "Stupid swamp," she muttered. It had been almost two hours, and nothing had come to her. Korra said it had happened quickly. Maybe it didn't work if you sought it out, maybe she was wasting her time.

"Aren't you the one who always says patience is a virtue?"

Jinora whirled around, and laughed shakily when she saw him standing there with messy hair and the lopsided grin that she adored. She staggered towards him, pausing only an arm's length away, afraid that if she touched him he'd shatter. His broken body felt so heavy in her arms, the grief draped over her shoulders as she remembered _this wasn't real._

"You're - you're not real." Her shoulders sagged under the crushing weight. It felt like she had lost him all over again. Shaking, she balled her fists, Kai's happy smile never wavering, and it infuriated her. "You - you left me!" Kai's face crumpled with hurt, and she felt a pang but this wasn't the real Kai, this wasn't _her _Kai. _Her _Kai was buried in the ground and would stay there forever. "Why did you leave me Kai? If you'd love me so much why did you leave him? Why did you-" She shut her eyes, wiping her wet cheeks, turning away. Trembling, she opened her eyes and turned around to face him again. "Why did you do this to me?" she sobbed, her words half dying in her throat when it wasn't Kai standing there anymore.

It was her. Her hair was ragged and unkempt, strands tumbling out of her bun. Her eyes were bloodshot and rimmed in red with dark bags under them. It was her, after his death. It was her, in the present.

It was her. Without him.

Raava above why couldn't she just let him go? How had she become so attached to someone she couldn't function without them? Why had this affected her so much for such a long time? Why wasn't she getting better, like everyone else? Was it because she was weak? Or because she was strong, but not strong enough to carry him with her but not let him break her? Why couldn't she just pull herself together?

Why had she been reduced to _this_?

Jinora reached out to touch her reflection made tangible, but it melted into the water when she reached it and she felt a spike of anger. At herself. Kai's death was a crutch for her broken legs, the fact she had been rendered to someone so _empty_ and _incomplete _she had let herself be ruined. She was sad, but she wasn't angry at him. She was angry at herself.

_You need to remember you aren't broken in the first place._

If the fault lied in her, and not in Kai, perhaps she could mend after all, she realized. For the first time since Kai's death, Jinora smiled. Hesitant at first, slowly spreading across her face, until she was grinning from ear-to-ear. She started to laugh, pausing only to blow the bison whistle to call Pepper to her. She laughed so hard she cried and cried some more when the laughter faded away.

She felt a weight lift off her shoulders just slightly. It was still there, a heavy burden, and she knew she needed more time, but it was easier to bear, even if only slightly, as Pepper brought her home (and this time, it almost felt like home again).

* * *

_IV._

His birthday was a hard day. Kai had always known the year, but they had only learned of the actual date a few months before his first birthday with them, and it hurt Jinora to think he had only ever celebrated his birthday three times, especially since he should have had many, many more. Jinora wound up in his old room. It had been five months since his death, and two since her trip to the swamp, but other than a layer of dust, nothing had changed. Kai's bed sheets were rumpled and unmade with one pillow on the floor. His closet was half open with a bunch of messy clothes at the bottom, a random sock halfway across the floor. The one thing that was neat was a small stack of letters on his beside table: ones Jinora had written to him on his travels that he had brought home; and a black-and-white portrait of her family with him smiling in the middle. The last time their family had been complete.

But now, even as tears welled in her eyes as she gazed at their happy faces, Jinora managed to smile and let it reach her eyes. She had been recovering. Some days, like today, were harder than others. Some seemed to be unbearable. And others she lived as though she had almost managed to forget, even though she hadn't: she never would. But slowly, _slowly, _she was making peace with that.

And today she thought, maybe, she'd be able to do some meditation for once. She was easing her way back into it, and she'd like to think she was making progress. Focusing on her breathing, Jinora leaned against Kai's bed, willing tears not to spring up in her eyes. It was a surprise as the rest of the world fell away, and all she was truly aware was the rise and fall of her chest, of the stiff bed frame touching the small of her back.

And then the world fell into place again, bright and beautiful with a strange light hitting her eyes, one that was once familiar but had grown distant: she was in the Spirit World. She hadn't been there since his death, had never had a desire to walk through the new portal either. For one, meditating into the Spirit World was much easier, with quicker transportation into the deeper parts of the other realm; even if she had walked for months by foot in the portal, she doubted she would have ever found what she was looking for, what she hoped to find: Kai's soul.

To say a proper goodbye this time.

Jinora's brown eyes opened and were greeted by a bright, buttery yellow, filling the space in front of her. She was standing in a grassy meadow, one she was sure she had never been to before, but it looked a lot like her (_their_) Cove on the Island. There was even the same tree, and standing underneath... was Kai.

"It's you," she smiled, and somehow she knew that unlike the hallucination, this was really him. Not physical, not alive; a spirit, but here all the same.

He beamed at her, his beautiful green eyes crinkling as the yellow around him faded. "Me." Kai seemed perfectly at peace, looking not a day older than he had when he died, still young, but older somehow too. Wiser, maybe? She wanted to run to him, but didn't think she'd be able to handle it if she passed right through him, so close yet still so far away.

"You died." For once, the words didn't seem to carry the same weight. Everything felt lighter here with him.

"I did," Kai confirmed.

"You left."

"I didn't," he corrected her. "Not really." Jinora laughed shakily, giving him a teary-eyed smile. She wanted to talk, there was still so much she wanted to tell him, but the words were jammed in her throat, but she couldn't stop smiling either. She walked over to him, holding out her hand. Kai brought his hand so close to hers they nearly touched. She could still remember the warmth of his fingers, linked perfectly with hers. Here in this world, he had both his arms, whole and untarnished.

Kai's eyes filled with tears. "I'm so proud of you Jinora. I never wanted to hurt you, or - or to destroy you. I'm sorry for that."

"Don't be. I'm okay now. Or at least I will be. But you were, are the greatest thing that ever happened to me, so don't ever apologize for that..." Jinora wiped her eyes, refusing to tear her gaze away from his face, but she couldn't help but wonder what this place was. "Where are we?"

"What does it look like to you?" Kai asked.

"Our Cove, but..." she trailed off. Kai nodded. "It looks different to everyone else?"

"Not everyone," he answered. "I see the same thing as you. Our spirits are linked." He slid in his fingers through hers, and they passed through, no longer warm and real and living, and Jinora felt her heart leap into her throat but still her grin never faltered. "We have a connection."

She suddenly felt like was eleven, young and unsure and surprised that her friendship with a boy who made her laugh was already so strong. Jinora half-laughed and half-cried. "Will I be able to find you again?"

Kai's smile faded slightly. "No. Not until you reach the End. But I had to see you, at least once, to tell you something important: don't ever let me hold you back from anything, alright? Live your life. Fall in love. Grow old. See and do all the things you wanted to do, that we planned to do together. We'll still do it together."

Jinora fought back by a sob, still trying to smile. "I will, I promise. But you need to promise something too."

Kai nodded. "Anything."

"Wait for me?"

Kai smiled softly. "Of course. I'll see you before you know it. I love you."

The bright yellow came back and began to grow, pulsing like a heartbeat, blinding her, and when Jinora opened her eyes, she was back in Kai's old bedroom, alone. She curled up in a ball and started sobbing, but this was different. This was good. She was truly happy. This, she could build on. This, she could live on. She'd carry him with her, and this time, she wouldn't break.

And she didn't.

* * *

_V._

The walk to the funeral wasn't exactly a sad one. At eighty-seven, it had been a life lived. The sapling was tiny and fresh, placed on a mound of rich soil. A monument was in the works to be put somewhere on Air Temple Island, but she had always wanted to abide by the traditional air nomad customs. Her sapling was planted next to a very old tree planted nearly seventy-two years before hand. She was mourned, but her younger brother, the last surviving member of the family, smiled among the mourners.

"She's visiting an old friend," Rohan assured her family and friends. "She's waited long enough."

* * *

Jinora had always been patient.

She waited as the Earth Kingdom settled and as the Avatar kept balance between the four nations. She waited as her nation grew and became greater than ever before, with her in the lead, and a spirit by her side. She waited as she grew old, as the lines in her face deepened, the laugh lines near her eyes became more pronounced.

She waited for him.

("I love you too.")


End file.
